I wake up every morning with the full intention of being the absolute best mom I can be. You know – the one who cheerily wakes her children, makes them Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes with raisins for eyes, skips through the daily activities with a spring in her step, and smiles and swoops in with a kiss when the kids are acting up. The mom who cooks a nutritious four-course organic meal for lunch and places it in colorful bento boxes for her childrens’ enjoyment. The one who never ever turns on the TV, instead planning new and enriching activities every day to refine her childrens’ development. I wake up planning to be the mom who spends nap time missing her kids while baking them organic blueberry cupcakes with Thomas the Train decorations on top. Yes, that is who I aim to be every single day.
But heck – let’s get real. By about noon the bar has dropped to the point where I’m satisfied just being a good-enough mom. And I’m okay with that. After full mornings trying to channel my inner Mary Poppins, I simply surrender. And decide that being a good-enough mom is good enough for me.
I am exhausted
Raising two maniacs high-energy toddlers is damn grueling. From the second they open their eyes in the morning until they pass out at night, they never stop. Ever. And I’m old. And pregnant. An Advanced-Maternal-Age mommy who needs a nap – or just five minutes to sit down. So if I can bribe the kids to sit long enough to watch a few episodes of Dinosaur Train so that I can catch a break, so be it.
I also have a job to do
Fortunately, I am now freelance. Unfortunately, much to my dismay, it turns out that “freelance” doesn’t mean “earn money for no work.” I have to put in time and energy to finish my jobs. This is literally impossible to do while the boys are awake. It is barely possible while they’re napping – it is inevitable that as soon as I pull out the laptop I will hear a loud crash or cries of some sort coming from their bedroom. So sue me if I am up against a deadline and tell the boys that it is nap time 30-60 minutes early.
The boys have each other
That’s why people have multiple children, isn’t it? So that each child has a built-in companion? So I let them play together. “Play with your brother” is a common refrain in our household. It’s not that I don’t want to play with them, it’s just that I have to finish the laundry/prepare dinner/submit this project/pee in peace. And I figure that as long as they’re not killing each other, they’re learning lifelong values and lessons such as sharing, negotiating, and compromising. So really, it is a parenting strategy instead of a crutch.
The constant shouting is melting my brain
Is it in boys’ DNA to SHOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME?? I say “stop shouting” so many times that it just sounds like jibberish – and they don’t even acknowledge me anymore. In fact I think they laugh. I swear there is some mental effect of all that shouting. It’s frying my brain and making me incapable of thinking clearly. At a minimum, the ringing in my ears is completely banishing any forethought of becoming Super Nanny incarnate. It’s a miracle I have any logical thought processes left.
There’s only one of me
Don’t get me wrong – we fully understood what we were getting into when we had children with zero family help (hence the waffling that ultimately made me a mother of Advanced Maternal Age). But wow, it sure would be nice to have some – any – help. I truly and fervently envy my friends who can call a family member in an emergency – or simply drop the kids off for a few hours. Kids acting crazy and pushing me to the verge of a nervous breakdown? Suck it up and figure it out. One kid hurts himself and we have to go to the emergency room at midnight? Drag Kid B along, drop off Kid A and Mommy at the hospital, and then wake up Kid B to come back with Daddy at 4am to pick us up. They weren’t kidding when they said it takes a village.
I’m okay if my kids aren’t fluent in Mandarin by age 5
Really, I am. I also have no desire to rush reading, writing, or superior athleticism. The proof is in the pudding with my almost 4-year-old who still wears Pull-Ups at night. I just figure that when they’re ready – they’re ready. Let them be kids. Does that make me lazy? Naive because my children aren’t in a feeder preschool for the top private schools in the nation? Then lazy I am – as my kids play in the mud while others recite the Latin alphabet backwards.
First World problems really aren’t all that bad
I had the opportunity to travel extensively before I had children, and the lingering lesson it taught me is that – no matter what – we simply have an extraordinary way of life here. Complaining about my commute to work every day? Instantly humbled when I meet the 83-year-old Ghanaian woman who hikes eight miles each way to gather firewood and water to feed her family. Put into perspective, the majority of our so-called problems are frankly petty. So excuse me if I don’t make Pinterest-perfect meals or my boys wear t-shirts with finger paint stains on them. It’s just that I think we should be spending less time on that and more time focused on issues that matter.
They will survive
As Gloria Gaynor puts it, I was petrified with my first child. Terrified that I would inadvertently hurt him, drop him, scar him, or emotionally ruin him. And then I learned – he is a pretty resilient guy. With my second son, I had much more confidence that he would not only make it, but that he would thrive. And damn – with all the pushes and knocks down he gets from his big brother, that kid is even heartier than the first. So now I simply don’t sweat the small stuff. Toddler drinking out of a sippy cup that fell on the ground? Eh – soon he will be ingesting germier things. Kiddo fell down and bloodied his knee? That’s a bummer – but he’ll pull through. All any panic on my part would do is develop little hypochondriacs.
The love is what they’ll remember
This is what it really boils down to. One day when my boys look back, I doubt they will hold dear the memories of the picture perfect crust-free organic peanut butter and homemade strawberry preserves sandwiches on whole-grain wheat painstakingly cut into shapes of dinosaurs. I suspect that a few hours of Octonauts isn’t going to turn their brains to mush. And I hope that what they remember instead is the profound love that their mommy had for them. The messy, adoring, imperfect love that is reflected by the real me. The me who laughs, who cries, who gets angry, and who shouts ENOUGH. The me who cuddles and kisses, and groans and sighs. The me who plays Legos and then shushes in frustration so I can finish an assignment. Because that is reality. And that is what they’re going to find in their friends and partners as they grow older. Love isn’t perfect. It isn’t always pretty. But it is always there, a constant undercurrent despite the temporary face. And I hope that is what my boys learn and remember when they think back on their good-enough mom.
Oh my gosh..I LOVE this!! This is the kind of Mom I was ( and now Grandma) I had family around ( sort of) but not the kind close enough to drop off the kids. I did have an amazing support group of friends and we helped each other out. Two boys close in age would drain an Olympic athlete of energy. Good luck with the new baby and the writing. You made me smile!
Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m looking forward to Grandma days myself one day – It must be amazing!
You are not just a good enough mom, you are a super star! I love this post, Faye! I can relate to so much. I have twins and I remember when I was pregnant, I SWORE I would never let them watch TV and I was going to make them organic homemade baby food and play Mozart for them everyday. Then they were born and my life was turned on its head. But like you say, I love them more than anything and I do the best I can, that’s all we can do really. And our love is what it’s all about.
Thank you, Monica! And you are so right… We are all just doing the best we can, and love isn’t perfect. So at least they can learn that from us!
Love this! There’s so much shame around just doing the best you can in that moment… and why? Moms are human, too, and trying to live up to the pressure of super-mom can wear anyone out. Good for you for speaking about this issue so candidly!
Thank you, Laura! The pressure is crazy, isn’t it?
I read this through with a smile on my face, I have a daughter and I know just how much work it is, so yeah just like you, I try to be the perfect mum but for most days I am quite fine with being just good enough.
And good enough is more than enough! That is what they’re going to remember – that we tried and we did our best, but most of all that we loved them. Thanks for stopping by!
Your best is all you can give, right? I struggled to find balance for a long time, especially working from home. I have teens now and even though many things are easier, I still have to be content with giving what I have to offer and not feeling bad about it. Great post.
Thank you, Tara! I struggle with balance as well… And guilt, and time management, and all the rest of it. But let’s face it: that is what our children will struggle with as they get older as well, so at least they’re seeing reality.
Love love love and so what I needed! I have ONE maniac toddler (no idea how you do it with two) and trying to blog on the side is killing me. But I love it, and love being home with him. Thanks for helping me keep it in perspective!
Thank you for your comments, Chrissa! Your son is lucky to have you home with him. I feel your pain around multi-tasking and trying to do “everything”.
Yes! Let’s let go of the mommy guilt and be okay with doing what we can! Sometimes our expectations are way too high as moms.
So true! And the irony is that we often place the expectations upon ourselves!
I love this! I was recently reminded as my toddler escaped down the aisle at church that we get all bent out of shape about things that really aren’t all that important. You know what happened to my little girl? The pastor reached out his arms and picked up my daughter and held her until the service was over. And he felt incredibly loved that she would run all that way just to see him. If I would have been the super-mom who kept my kid seated silently beside me I would have robbed our pastor of that beautiful moment.
I love that story! What a great perspective – by letting the little things go, we open the door up for other opportunities. That is a moment I am sure your pastor is going to recall and cherish, and perhaps your daughter even at this young age. I’m glad they shared it and you were able to witness it. 🙂
YES! It’s so easy to feel inadequate in a Pinterest and Instagram culture of picture-perfect-parenting, but you’re totally right – the love is what matters. It freaked me out a bit when my friend had posted her 4-year-old’s cursive alphabet, while my son hardly colors in the lines at the same age. Then I realized it doesn’t matter and he thrives in other ways, PLUS he’ll get there in his own time. And he gets to play like a 4-year-old ideally should, rather than slaving over a desk. He has an entire academic career for that, so in the meantime….
Yes, exactly! They have their whole lives to be adults – let them be kids while they still can. And I have yet to hear of any correlation between the age of childhood achievement and adult success.
From ne mom to another I can totally relate and it sounds like you are more than good enough!
Thank you for your comment!
I honestly have no idea how a mom gets any work done at home at all. I don’t have kids and I get no work done at home! Great post and thanks for your vulnerability.
Thanks Heather! It’s a juggling act for sure – I’m thankful for nap time!
Such a beautiful and heartfelt post! They will remember the love… that’s the most important because there is nothing quite like a mother’s love! It is so hard raising a family, and working, etc. etc. and I have done all that! But I wouldn’t have traded having my beautiful girls for anything – and I see you are doing a splendid job!!!! Be Blessed!
Thank you so much Clare for your sweet comments! There truly is nothing like the love that a mother feels for her children – and I think as long as that shines through, the children will be just fine.
Loving this post! Very honest, and very true! I just started a little bit of freelance writing alongside being SAHM with my toddler and 5 month old. To say it’s hard doing both would be an understatement. But, what will always be my favorite part of my day are those special goodnight kisses and “I love yous” that I hear from at least one of them at bed time, just reminds me why being a mommy is so wonderful. The hour or so of peace and quiet I get afterward before bed isn’t too bad either lol.
Thank you for your post! Glad I found your blog!
#facebookfollow
#thisolemom
Lindsay
@Gfreemomtobe
glutenfreemomtobe.com
Thank you Lindsay! Those good night hugs and kisses are SO worth it… Along with the short period of quiet time afterwards (before I can’t keep my eyes open any longer). Wishing you all the best with your freelance writing – sounds like we are on a similar path!
I love this post! Such a great reminder It’s so important to let kids just be kids! :))
Thanks Elyse, and I agree! Appreciate you stopping by.
Amen sister! The last couple of days I’ve been sick, had a ton of work to do (although from home) and feel like I haven’t been giving my child the best of me but I also know that this is real life!
Yes! And they have to see that. Sorry you’ve been sick – hope you start to feel better soon.
I love this post! Mom’s put way too much pressure to be perfect like that first paragraph you described. It’s humanly impossible! As long as our kids feel the love. It’s all good!
I couldn’t agree more! Thanks for stopping by, Nusrat!
Oh, wow. This was a GREAT post! So true, so important! I loved reading it!
Thanks Jenni! Appreciate the comment!
Um, yes! I found myself agreeing with all you said here. If you’re perfect everyday then making something special would take moving a mountain, right? Something tells me your kids think your pretty awesome.
Thank you so much for stopping by, and for your kind comment! I only wish I could be perfect every day – It’s a pipe dream. 🙂
i can soooo relate to this article, but as a dad. There is only one of me and I give me as freely as I can. 🙂
Good point – This should read “Good-Enough Parent,” since it is definitely not exclusive to mothers!
Oh I love this! I’m with you, “stop shouting” doesn’t even sound like real words anymore because they’ve been said too many times!
They just learn to shout over you! I feel like I’m talking to myself.
Oh! I needed to read this today! I am so burnt out! Between working a full and a part-time job and dealing with older kids who are glued to their cellphones and don’t seem to hear me when I ask them to do something, I am always worrying that I am being pulled in too many directions to really make a difference. I have to consciously remind myself that I am only one person doing a 2-person job (single mom) and not a superhero. Sometimes the best you can do is the best you can do. Thanks for the reminder.
YES! I so hear you. We are all doing the absolute best we can and – you know what – it’s good enough.
All so true! & girls shout all the time too!