Today’s guest post is from Kal, blogger at Small Town Nerds and LGBT parent of 5. He joins us to openly discuss many of the “taboo” questions that he receives as a result of transitioning while parenting young children ages 8 and under.
Ever since coming out 2 years ago and starting my gender transition, I’ve been privileged to receive many invasive questions on the subject of me being a transgender parent. Most are people genuinely looking to understand, which is great, but there’s still a ton that are much more… Nosey. I get it, I’m not “the norm” and it’s fascinating to learn about different people, but it is exhausting.
So, I’ve put together a list of commonly asked questions that you might want to know, or that will maybe save us all a bit of awkwardness later. If you still want to know more, check out my blog.
Despite the article title, I can only speak for myself and my own experiences as a trans dad.
Why didn’t you adopt?
This one is exactly as personal as it would be for me to ask to you. If you have children, why didn’t you adopt them? Pregnancy isn’t exactly comfortable or easy. Bonus points if you underwent fertility treatment.
Photo Credit: Kal at Small Town Nerds
Sometimes we just like to have our own children. My husband had a huge desire to avoid adoption (which actually is what I wanted to do) so I made the sacrifice to undergo pregnancy 4 times (for 5 kids). A family was extremely important to us.
If you hate your breasts, why did you breastfeed?
First of all, the shame. Since I was physically able to breastfeed (I waited until we were done having children to transition) I felt a huge amount of pressure to provide the “liquid gold” for my babies.
Secondly, I actually didn’t experience as much dysphoria while breastfeeding. After mentioning this to a few people including my medical team, we’ve agreed it’s because giving my chest a purpose actually made it ok to have.
Third, I really did enjoy that bonding with my babies. I was devastated to be unable to breastfeed my premature twins.
Are your kids OK/Is this damaging them psychologically?
They seem to be fine! As they’ve made abundantly clear, their biggest issues in life seem to be the lack of dessert we serve in the house, whether or not math is actually necessary to their education, and whose turn it is to play the Playstation.
They have actually been a huge motivation for me to pursue and continue medical transition – I am so much happier, and therefore better able to parent, now that I’m taking care of myself. We’re all benefitting.
Photo Credit: Kal at Small Town Nerds
Are you worried about them getting made fun of?
This one is a huge sore spot for me. I, a nerdy queer kid, was bullied mercilessly in school. On the literal other side of the world, my darling husband who didn’t realize his sexual orientation until later, had a horrendous time in school as well. We’re both deeply affected by the way we were attacked and isolated by our peers and are always anxious of our children meeting a similar fate.
Children are bullied and not bullied for all kinds of different reasons, sometimes inexplicably. We have taken measures to prevent this issue painting a target on their backs by making sure they’re enrolled in a more inclusive school and being “out” to their friends’ parents to ensure they have at least someone they can count on. They are just finishing up 3rd and 1st grade and so far we’ve experienced no issues.
What do your kids call you?
They still call me mom, but I hate when other people do it. Online I go by just “parent” but prefer “dad”. Since they already have a dad at home, I can’t really take that title. They’ve also been calling me this name for a long time, so it’s difficult to change.
Sometimes, though, they call me “dad 2” or “mommy daddy”.
Photo Credit: Kal at Small Town Nerds
So are you gay?
I’m bisexual, technically, but usually this question is in relation to my marriage. Until I change my sex designation, I’m in a heterosexual marriage legally but I consider it a homosexual one, and later on paper it will just be a same sex marriage. In Canada this has been legal since 2003.
Isn’t your husband straight?
Again, no. Bisexuality is a thing people forget about so often. He’s a little more complicated though – where I feel split pretty evenly, he prefers women and likes men of a certain type. Thankfully, I fit that type. He’s quite into it, actually…
So are you… A man… Completely…? Or will you be?
This is how everyone seems to ask this question. Unfortunately, surgery has quite a few drawbacks. First of all, it’s not perfect, not even close to perfect actually. You’re either left with a micropenis or something you have to inflate with a manual pump – talk about still feeling inadequate.
Secondly, it’s not covered under my provincial health care.
Third, it’s a compromise I’m making for my husband. The first two factors are the biggest motivation, of course, and until things improve I’m not exploring this any further.
Legally, however, I will be male. I’m also getting “top surgery” as soon as my name reaches the top of the waitlist.
EVERYTHING you've wanted to know about being a #transgender #parent - but were too afraid to ask! Share on XHow does sex with your husband work?
Why oh why does everyone want to know how trans people have sex. Oh yeah, it’s interesting. It has been nothing but up since the day I came out with my transition getting me happier, healthier, and more open every day. I had so many weird issues that we ended up attributing to dysphoria, and now we’re addressing them. That alone has changed everything for me.
Boring.
I know the primary audience here is going to be women: go apologize to your husband right now for not being into sex. Kidding, you don’t owe him anything, but man testosterone is powerful stuff. I considered my interest to be pretty normal before but now, wow. It’s fantastic and distracting.
As for time with my husband, well, he’s totally embraced the whole thing. I would even say he’s finding it pretty sexy, in all honesty. My face is changing a bit so it’s something new and exciting. And what we get up to? Well pretty much everything, and far too much to share in this post.
What do you teach your kids about gender identity and sexuality? Do they even understand?
With our oldest being 8 ½ we haven’t had to delve into too deep of conversations in relation to gender and sexuality. We are strongly uniform in how we raise them, trying our best to circumvent societal norms and stereotypes. We neither expect nor shame our children into certain fashion, interests, or behaviours based on gender, and try and encourage a healthy amount of exploration.
What we have explained is that some people are boys and girls, and they’re able to enjoy whatever interests, fashion, and presentation that they want. Sometimes they do not feel the gender they were born with is right for them and they change that, like me. We have a friend who’s a transwoman so it helps solidify the lesson.
With sexual orientation, we have simply gone over that sometimes men or women get married. Since this isn’t a current political issue in Canada we haven’t had to cover much more than that.
Photo Credit: Kal at Small Town Nerds
What do you expect/hope to change?
Sometimes this is a considerate question, sometimes it’s backhanded, always it gets the same answer. Nothing.
There is the obvious – call me by my preferred name, address me with the right pronouns, stop calling me mom, but beyond that my life hasn’t changed a whole lot.
I am still me, just a lot happier with who I am.
Let me know if I missed anything that you’d like to know about me and my queer life. If you want to follow along with my family and gender transition, check out my blog Small Town Nerds.