Parenting Archives – Page 5 of 6

7 Reasons the United States Needs Paid Maternity Leave

Did you know that the United States is one of only three countries that does not mandate paid time off for new working parents? Let that sink in. One of only three countries internationally. The other two are Papua New Guinea and Suriname.

To be crystal clear, this is not one of three industrialized countries. Or one of three Western countries. Or one of three countries with any other criteria. This is one of three countries in the entire world. Meaning that even developing nations have better maternity leave programs than we do. Countries like Rwanda, Iraq, Haiti, and Bangladesh. Even the United Nations offers paid maternity and paternity leave.

The United States is the ONLY industrialized nation in the world without paid parental leave.

Take a look at this infographic for just a quick idea:

Shocking, isn’t it? Here in the States, pregnancy is considered a “disability.” Postpartum mothers are paid a whopping grand total of either 6 weeks (for a vaginal delivery) or 8 weeks (for a c-section) out of Short Term Disability funds collected through employee payroll deductions. Many, if not most, working mothers are then forced to return to their jobs as paid benefits have been exhausted. At 6 weeks or 8 weeks postpartum.

As my Canadian cousin says, it is barbaric that American women are forced to return to work so soon – at a point when they likely haven’t even completely physically healed from the trauma of childbirth.

Did you know the US is the ONLY industrialized country with NO paid #parental #leave? Share on X

Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA)

Yes, the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) of 1993 was a small step forward in that it began providing a total of 12 weeks job protection (6 or 8 of which could overlap with Short Term Disability pay). However, there is no additional compensation associated with the act and it also has firm restrictions that exclude approximately 40% of the American workforce (for example, it cannot be leveraged by employees of small companies or by those who have not hit a minimum threshold of hours of service with one company). Perhaps because of this, it hasn’t significantly increased leave times.

A few states – California, Hawaii, New Jersey, New York, and Rhode Island – have enacted their own laws to provide some additional compensation and protection, and fortunately for me I live in one of them.

California Family Rights Act (CFRA) and Paid Family Leave (PFL)

California, as an example, has enacted the California Family Rights Act (CFRA) which allows a working mother or father 12 weeks of unpaid job protection to care for a family member. While FMLA and CFRA run concurrently, the difference is that FMLA begins at the time of delivery, while CFRA bonding leave doesn’t begin until the mother is released from Short Term Disability – essentially extending job protection an additional 6 or 8 weeks.

California also offers Paid Family Leave (PFL), funded by employee California State Disability Insurance (SDI) contributions, which provides working mothers and fathers up to 55% of capped weekly earnings for up to 6 weeks.

Clear as mud?

What this all means is that, in California, a working mother is entitled to up to 18 to 20 weeks of total job protection (depending on type of delivery) under FMLA and CFRA. The first 6-8 weeks are fully paid by Short Term Disability, and then the next 6 weeks are paid at up to 55% of the capped earnings amount. Any additional job-protected time is unpaid. Much better than most states, but still not enough.

Other (Most) States

So then how does it work in other states that have not enacted additional legislation? The working mother is eligible for a total job protected period of 12 weeks after delivery under FMLA. She is paid for the first 6-8 weeks out of Short Term Disability. After that, she remains unpaid until returning to work.

And the working father? He is entitled to 12 weeks of FMLA job protection. Not a day of it is paid.

So do I think that paid parental leave is something that should be offered to every working American mother and father? You bet I do. And here are the reasons why.

Increased consumer spending and larger tax base.

Paid maternity leave results in increased consumer spending. Mothers on paid leave are more likely to spend, and the ultimate retention of those mothers in the workforce generates a larger tax base. The Institute for Women’s Policy Research concludes that a paid leave program could increase national GDP by as much as 5% simply by boosting female labor force participation. Yet research by Cornell has found that the American female labor force participation rate is decreasing – from 6th place internationally in 1990 to 17th place in 2010.

Paid maternity leave policies can help change that. Since Google implemented their new generous maternity leave policy, the rate at which mothers leave the company has been reduced by 50%. Public response to new similar programs offered by Facebook, Netflix, and Microsoft has also been overwhelmingly positive. The retention of women in the workforce is good for mothers, companies, and the economy.

Breast is best.

This is undisputed, and has become a major talking point (almost to a fault) amongst American mothers, doctors, and even politicians. Nobody denies the fact that a mother breastfeeding her child is providing the best nutrition and immunity available. Yet we force mothers back to work when they may not even have fully established a milk supply yet – I know that even my own paltry milk supply definitely took more than 6 weeks to establish.

Fun fact: on an international trip sans baby a couple of years ago, the airport TSA staff were fascinated with my breast pump – they had never seen one. So were my international family members, who had also never seen one. Why would they have? Mothers in other countries are largely able to remain home with their children until they have weaned.

Pumping at work is not easy, and is often looked down upon. Even with legislation providing certain protections to pumping mothers, it is still difficult to find appropriate areas to pump and managers who are fully supportive. More than once I found myself pumping in a storage closet or with the tacit disapproval of my managers when having to step out of an important meeting. No wonder most working mothers give up only a few months in.

Business financial burden concerns are exaggerated.

A popular argument against paid maternity leave programs is the potential cost to employers – not only to help fund the programs, but to account for the financial strain resulting from mothers or fathers on leave. Yet this simply doesn’t play out. Using the states with enhanced leave programs as case studies, the Center for Economic and Policy Research found that up to 99% of California employers indicated that the new leave law had a positive or no noticeable effect on productivity, turnover, employee morale, and profitability/performance. Even more compelling are the nearly 10% of California employers who actually cited a cost savings due to reduced employee turnover and reduced benefits costs.

These findings are not unique. A University of Virginia study concluded that mothers who took California paid family leave were more likely to be working a year later than those who did not. And a Rutgers study found a 40% decrease in incidence of receiving food stamps or public aid for New Jersey mothers who took paid leave.

Keep in mind that program costs don’t necessarily have to be shouldered by employers either. In Canada, for example, funding comes from the federal Employment Insurance program paid into by working Canadians.

Improved gender equality.

This may sound counter intuitive, as this is typically an argument used against paid family leave. But hear me out. Today, paid Short Term Disability is only offered to American mothers for the abysmal period of 6-8 weeks. With the exception of the five states that have implemented more attractive policies, fathers are unable to receive any pay upon taking a leave for the birth of a child.

So what does this mean? You guessed it: fewer fathers take any extended time off to bond with their new children. Subsequently increasing their hiring desirability when matched up against equally qualified women of childbearing age.

But imagine that both mothers AND fathers, as equal caretakers, were offered comparable leave programs – or essentially one leave program that either the mother, father, or both could leverage. No longer would only women be dinged by potential employers for the possibility that she would eventually take family leave – the risk would become the same for either parent, man or woman. Mens’ advantage over women at the time of hire would decrease as either gender could be expected to take a family bonding leave at some point.

Increased workplace retention.

Retaining talented employees is a win for both the organization and the employee. Without mandated paid family leave, many mothers are forced to choose between returning to work at 6 or 8 weeks postpartum, or quitting their jobs completely to stay home with their children during the critical first year. This was a decision I greatly struggled with for each child – even with the advantage of being able to extend my job-protected (but not fully paid) leave to 18 weeks by residing in the state of California.

Contrary to opposing arguments, the National Bureau of Economic Research suggests that mothers offered paid leave of up to one year are more likely to stay in their jobs as a result of not having to quit to obtain adequate time off. It makes sense. I think most mothers would feel much more ready to return to work at a point when their infants are older, more mature, and not so dependent on them.

For employers, a longer leave period makes sense as well. It is much easier to hire a temporary employee or to cross-train an existing employee to take over the work of the mother on leave for a period of 6-12 months than to simply rely on other employees to cover, in addition to their regular jobs, for 6-8 weeks. This also allows employers the opportunity to challenge and train other high performing employees, exposing them to rotational work in new areas and allowing for stronger succession planning.

Procreation is necessary for our society’s survival.

We’ve all heard the argument. The one that says if you’re choosing to be a mother, then any financial or other ramifications are your sole responsibility. But I beg to differ.

What if nobody decided to have children? Because we couldn’t afford it, or it was looked down upon, or for any other reason? Dramatic example, I know, but our society would cease to exist within one to two generations.

The point is – children are not simply an “option” chosen by selfish parents. They are necessary for our very survival; at a minimum, to take over the reigns for us as we age and to continue our country’s existence. Parents or not, we all benefit from the next generation.

Therefore, we all have a responsibility to ensure that our children are given the best start. Paid parental leave provides parents the opportunity to bond with and raise their children during an extremely critical and formative period of their young lives. It facilitates strong attachment and helps to set the foundation for the rest of their lives. I doubt anyone could argue that an often overstretched childcare provider can possibly provide better care during the first year than the child’s own parent. And that parent should be free to administer this care without the financial burden to the entire family that our current lack of paid paternal leave imposes.

We are one of only three countries in the entire world that doesn’t mandate paid maternity leave. We are the ONLY industrialized nation without it.

How can this be so when we tout ourselves as a nation that promotes family values? If the children are truly the future, why are working parents often forced to leave them with other family members (best case scenario) or practical strangers (worst case scenario) to act as primary caregivers 40-60 hours a week? How can it be that developing, impoverished, and war-torn nations have better leave policies than we do? Can we truly call ourselves the leaders of the free world if we can’t even supply the basics for our families?

The silver lining of all this is that the tides slowly appear to be changing. I’ve heard more discussion on this topic from both fellow American citizens and politicians in the last couple of years than ever before. Private companies are now taking matters into their own hands with the implementation of significantly improved parental leave programs, and others are taking notice. Competition for talent will continue to result in increased benefits even as the government lags behind in federal policy.

Yet it is still not enough and we shouldn’t accept that it is. Certainly the United States of America can pull itself out of the bottom international position for paid family leave. I am hopeful and optimistic, and hope that you are too. Mothers, fathers, and all citizens deserve it. Children depend on it.

And they are, after all, our future.

23 Parenting Lessons Learned Raising My Now-Grown Child

While in the midst of active parenting – the terrible twos and threes, adolescence, the dreaded teen years – it can be difficult to gain perspective as we are simply trying to make it through each and every day. We do our best and hope it’s good enough. Along the way we kick ourselves for mistakes made, opportunities missed, and all-the-things-we-shoulda-done. And we cross our fingers and hope for the best.

So it’s encouraging to talk to parents who have been-there-done-that and have lived to tell the tale. They have the perspective that we do not yet have, and we can learn from their shared experiences. They provide not only wisdom, but support as we struggle through the trying times.

Christie Rose is one of these parents. She is the mother of a friend that I met many years ago – back in elementary school! I always admired the relationship that my friend had with her mother. They were close, and she could talk to her about seemingly anything. My friend’s mother was a true advocate for her, while at the same time providing guidance and helping her to experience life safely for herself. Even today, my friend and her mother remain very close as my friend raises a beautiful son of her own. It is truly inspiring to see how their relationship has continued to blossom through the years.

Today’s guest post is written by Christie, a writer and published author who taught writing for 14 years while raising a strong, independent, and capable daughter.

Dear parents:

Being a parent is so hard! Here are a few things I wish I’d learned earlier. For the record, these are in no particular order.

The parent is in charge, not the child. More later.

Love: show don’t just tell. We all know actions speak louder than words so smile, hug, giggle, do belly noogies.

The power of No. When it comes to discipline the parent is the only one with the power of no. Kids can say no or no thank you to extra helpings or what toy to play with but only adults can tell a child no, not the other way around. That is not an acceptable response to an order to stop pulling the cat’s tail.

It takes twice as long to correct a bad behavior as it does to corral it from the outset. This is a tough one. If you find yourself having to tell your child “no” or “come here” more than once or twice, it’s time to take control. If they know they can wear you down saying “please” after the third “please,” next time they’ll say it four times – and the time after that it will take five times. Trust me.

Don’t sign your kids up for everything out there. Kids need “me” time too. They don’t need or even want to be entertained all the time. They develop independence through solitary activity, even if that just means zoning out to cartoons.

Teach them how to pick their spots. What to be upset over, what to be angry about, what’s worth fighting for. If they’re being bullied, they should tell you. If somebody calls them a nerd, that ain’t no big thang.

Show them the joy of giving. Donate clothes and toys they’ve outgrown – with them in tow. Help a neighbor carry their groceries or serve meals at a local shelter. They will understand that helping others makes them feel good.

Allow them to make small decisions so bigger decisions are easier later on. A friend was ordering food for a daughter who was 13 years-old. I asked my friend if she wanted her daughter’s first decision to be who she slept with and when. (Yes, we’re still friends.)

If you want to get them talking, ask for their opinion. Very few can resist the temptation to be heard. This can be as simple as asking what tie you should wear to where the family should go on vacation, to do they think the drinking age should be lowered. It’s a confidence builder; an adult is asking their opinion. Just make sure not to mock them for it. Just lead them to the next logical step by asking if lowering the drinking age would make them safer. If they say yes, ask them how it would improve safety.

They feel what they feel. You do. So show them how to channel their feelings. Are they sad? Lonely? Bored? Angry? Kids watch how you handle these emotions, but you can also tell them about alternatives to kicking people or things when they’re upset.

Introduce them to new foods with a “no thank you” helping. Just tell them it’s tasty and afterwards let them know that it’s OK if they didn’t like it. Otherwise, they will be eating the same 5 foods. All. The. Time. Keep trying it as they grow. Tastes change.

Discipline. All kids need it. Obviously, they don’t always love it. But if you talk to teenagers who constantly get into trouble at school or with the law, they will often say, “My parents don’t care about me.” Dig deeper and you find that the reason they feel that way is because their parents didn’t seem to love them or care enough to make them mind the rules.

“Because I said so.” Yup. That’s okay too.

Put down your cell phone. Kids need more than just love and discipline, they need your attention. Even in the days before cell phones it was easy to fall into the trap of not giving them our undivided attention. That said, be careful not to monitor everything they eat, say and do.

Allow them to experience disappointment. If you don’t tell your child you’re taking them to Disneyland on Saturday, you deprive them of the joy of anticipation. And if you don’t tell them about it in case it doesn’t work out, you cheat them of the lesson on how to handle their disappointment.

Let them learn how to handle money. Small lessons such as letting them put two toys in the cart but telling them they’ll have to choose only one to take home gives them some power. In the tween years, making them pay a small fine for a soda they leave half full (on a regular basis), works wonders. As teenagers have them pretend they’re ready to leave the nest. This includes: building a resume, “searching” for a decent paying job, finding an apartment they can afford on that salary, and don’t forget to have them include the cost of transportation, insurance, household necessities, and of course food.

Teach them goofy. Goofy is important. We live in a weird world; sometimes a sad world. Kids need goofy. We all do. Fun doesn’t cost money. Funny faces, goofy hair, “swimming” in the bathtub, upside- down ice cream cones, frosting on the end of your nose. There is nothing more charming than a giggle.

Admit when you’re wrong. Hey, it’s no big deal. People are wrong. Often. By admitting you’re wrong you’re teaching them it’s okay to be wrong; that nobody gets it right all the time. You’re also teaching them they can respect themselves even if they got it wrong.

Act as if. Assume they had fun at preschool. Act as if they’ll do well on a test. Take it for granted they can work out a disagreement with a friend. Assume they’re going to college; the only question is which one. Act as if they will be successful most of the time.

If they’ve earned your trust, give it. It’s hard but necessary. Why should they be a trustworthy person if they don’t get credit for it?

Consistency is not all that important. Life is not consistent. So give yourself a break on this one.

The parent is in charge, not the child. Yes, I repeated that one.

And remember. They’ll love you no matter what.

Christie Rose is a writer, author, fundraiser and parent. She has written articles on parenting and health issues for Inland Empire Magazine in Riverside, California. Her novel, The Hunt, published by Oak Tree Press, is about an average woman who is forced to hunt down an assassin who is out to kill her. Ms. Rose was a writing instructor for 14 years through Cal-State San Bernardino and the City of Rancho Cucamonga. She has scripted and directed videos for business and fundraising projects and provided copywriting for several magazines. Ms. Rose also won an award from the Direct Marketing Association for a direct mail appeal and earned 1st place in Fundraising Success Magazine’s Gold Award/2007 for Acquisition Under 50,000 direct mail piece. She can be reached via email at mavismack1949@gmail.com.

9 Reasons I’m Happy Being a Good-Enough Mom

I wake up every morning with the full intention of being the absolute best mom I can be. You know – the one who cheerily wakes her children, makes them Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes with raisins for eyes, skips through the daily activities with a spring in her step, and smiles and swoops in with a kiss when the kids are acting up. The mom who cooks a nutritious four-course organic meal for lunch and places it in colorful bento boxes for her childrens’ enjoyment. The one who never ever turns on the TV, instead planning new and enriching activities every day to refine her childrens’ development. I wake up planning to be the mom who spends nap time missing her kids while baking them organic blueberry cupcakes with Thomas the Train decorations on top. Yes, that is who I aim to be every single day.

But heck – let’s get real. By about noon the bar has dropped to the point where I’m satisfied just being a good-enough mom. And I’m okay with that. After full mornings trying to channel my inner Mary Poppins, I simply surrender. And decide that being a good-enough mom is good enough for me.

I am exhausted

Raising two ~~maniacs~~ high-energy toddlers is damn grueling. From the second they open their eyes in the morning until they pass out at night, they never stop. Ever. And I’m old. And pregnant. An Advanced-Maternal-Age mommy who needs a nap – or just five minutes to sit down. So if I can bribe the kids to sit long enough to watch a few episodes of Dinosaur Train so that I can catch a break, so be it.

I also have a job to do

Fortunately, I am now freelance. Unfortunately, much to my dismay, it turns out that “freelance” doesn’t mean “earn money for no work.” I have to put in time and energy to finish my jobs. This is literally impossible to do while the boys are awake. It is barely possible while they’re napping – it is inevitable that as soon as I pull out the laptop I will hear a loud crash or cries of some sort coming from their bedroom. So sue me if I am up against a deadline and tell the boys that it is nap time 30-60 minutes early.

The boys have each other

That’s why people have multiple children, isn’t it? So that each child has a built-in companion? So I let them play together. “Play with your brother” is a common refrain in our household. It’s not that I don’t want to play with them, it’s just that I have to finish the laundry/prepare dinner/submit this project/pee in peace. And I figure that as long as they’re not killing each other, they’re learning lifelong values and lessons such as sharing, negotiating, and compromising. So really, it is a parenting strategy instead of a crutch.

The constant shouting is melting my brain

Is it in boys’ DNA to SHOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME?? I say “stop shouting” so many times that it just sounds like jibberish – and they don’t even acknowledge me anymore. In fact I think they laugh. I swear there is some mental effect of all that shouting. It’s frying my brain and making me incapable of thinking clearly. At a minimum, the ringing in my ears is completely banishing any forethought of becoming Super Nanny incarnate. It’s a miracle I have any logical thought processes left.

There’s only one of me

Don’t get me wrong – we fully understood what we were getting into when we had children with zero family help (hence the waffling that ultimately made me a mother of Advanced Maternal Age). But wow, it sure would be nice to have some – any – help. I truly and fervently envy my friends who can call a family member in an emergency – or simply drop the kids off for a few hours. Kids acting crazy and pushing me to the verge of a nervous breakdown? Suck it up and figure it out. One kid hurts himself and we have to go to the emergency room at midnight? Drag Kid B along, drop off Kid A and Mommy at the hospital, and then wake up Kid B to come back with Daddy at 4am to pick us up. They weren’t kidding when they said it takes a village.

I’m okay if my kids aren’t fluent in Mandarin by age 5

Really, I am. I also have no desire to rush reading, writing, or superior athleticism. The proof is in the pudding with my almost 4-year-old who still wears Pull-Ups at night. I just figure that when they’re ready – they’re ready. Let them be kids. Does that make me lazy? Naive because my children aren’t in a feeder preschool for the top private schools in the nation? Then lazy I am – as my kids play in the mud while others recite the Latin alphabet backwards.

First World problems really aren’t all that bad

I had the opportunity to travel extensively before I had children, and the lingering lesson it taught me is that – no matter what – we simply have an extraordinary way of life here. Complaining about my commute to work every day? Instantly humbled when I meet the 83-year-old Ghanaian woman who hikes eight miles each way to gather firewood and water to feed her family. Put into perspective, the majority of our so-called problems are frankly petty. So excuse me if I don’t make Pinterest-perfect meals or my boys wear t-shirts with finger paint stains on them. It’s just that I think we should be spending less time on that and more time focused on issues that matter.

They will survive

As Gloria Gaynor puts it, I was petrified with my first child. Terrified that I would inadvertently hurt him, drop him, scar him, or emotionally ruin him. And then I learned – he is a pretty resilient guy. With my second son, I had much more confidence that he would not only make it, but that he would thrive. And damn – with all the pushes and knocks down he gets from his big brother, that kid is even heartier than the first. So now I simply don’t sweat the small stuff. Toddler drinking out of a sippy cup that fell on the ground? Eh – soon he will be ingesting germier things. Kiddo fell down and bloodied his knee? That’s a bummer – but he’ll pull through. All any panic on my part would do is develop little hypochondriacs.

The love is what they’ll remember

This is what it really boils down to. One day when my boys look back, I doubt they will hold dear the memories of the picture perfect crust-free organic peanut butter and homemade strawberry preserves sandwiches on whole-grain wheat painstakingly cut into shapes of dinosaurs. I suspect that a few hours of Octonauts isn’t going to turn their brains to mush. And I hope that what they remember instead is the profound love that their mommy had for them. The messy, adoring, imperfect love that is reflected by the real me. The me who laughs, who cries, who gets angry, and who shouts ENOUGH. The me who cuddles and kisses, and groans and sighs. The me who plays Legos and then shushes in frustration so I can finish an assignment. Because that is reality. And that is what they’re going to find in their friends and partners as they grow older. Love isn’t perfect. It isn’t always pretty. But it is always there, a constant undercurrent despite the temporary face. And I hope that is what my boys learn and remember when they think back on their good-enough mom.

Not-So-Wonderful Aspects of Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a beautiful time in a woman’s life. She becomes a vessel for another human being, helping to grow and nurture a tiny baby until he or she is ready to make their grand debut. It is truly incredible – nothing short of a miracle.

But let’s get real for a minute – it’s not all roses. I feel more confident saying this now, as this is my third time through the experience, and I wish that someone had told me about the good AND the not-so-good aspects of pregnancy before my first. At the risk of sounding like I’m complaining (and maybe I am), I just can’t hold my tongue any longer on the surprises of pregnancy that complement the wonders.

I am excited to have my first post featured on Busy Mommy Media today, a great parenting resource that sets out to make moms’ lives easier through child-rearing tips, meal ideas, hacks, and more. Head over to read about the downsides of pregnancy that nobody talks about!

How My Toddlers Are Slowly Driving Me Insane

I can’t be the only one, can I? Who is slowly losing a grip while trying to parent two maniacal toddlers?

Sure, they’re cute and adorable and funny – and positively crazy. Miniature versions of myself running around and doing their best to pull me down the rabbit hole with them. I could have never imagined the person I would become as I spend my days trying to cling onto any thread of rational contact with the outside world.

I’m excited to have my first featured post on ModernMom today, one of my favorite resources for the Woman Behind the Mom, headed up by Brooke Burke (yes, of television fame) and Lisa Rosenblatt. Head over to read more about how my toddlers are causing me to become unhinged!